Caring for Aging Parents from a Distance: A Christian's Guide for the South African Diaspora

There is a particular kind of distance that many South Africans carry. It is the distance between the place where the children have made their lives and the place where the parents are growing old. The distance is sometimes two suburbs. The distance is sometimes two countries. The distance is sometimes two continents.

This post is about how to care for aging parents from a distance. It is not a complete guide. It is a set of practices that have worked for several people in our Wednesday Bible study community in Sandton, and that have a strong grounding in the Bible.

What the Bible Says About Caring for Parents

Exodus 20:12 — Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Proverbs 23:22 — Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. 1 Timothy 5:4 — These should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. Mark 7:10-13 — Jesus rebuked the religious leaders for nullifying the word of God by their tradition. Isaiah 46:4 — Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

What you notice is that caring for parents is not presented as optional. It is presented as a central part of the Christian life.

The Five Truths About Long-Distance Care

Truth 1 — Care Is Not the Same as Presence

The parent who lives in Durban and the parent who lives in London can both be cared for. The care looks different. The care is not the same. But the care can be real. Care is the act of paying attention to the parent's life.

Truth 2 — The Phone Call Is Not Optional

The phone call is the most basic unit of long-distance care. Many of the people in our Bible study have made a practice of calling the parent at the same time every week. The time matters less than the regularity.

Truth 3 — The Local Person Matters More Than the Long-Distance Person

The local sibling, the local cousin, the local friend, the local church member — the local person is the one who notices the change in the parent's memory. The long-distance child cannot replace the local person. The long-distance child can support the local person.

Truth 4 — The Money Conversation Is the Hardest Conversation

The money conversation is the conversation about who is paying for the parent's medical aid. The Bible is not silent about the money conversation. 1 Timothy 5:8 — Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. The money conversation is best had before the crisis.

Truth 5 — The Grief Starts Before the Parent Has Died

The grief starts the first time the parent forgets your name. The grief needs to be prayed through. The Bible calls this kind of grief lament. The Psalmists were not afraid of naming the grief before the loss was complete.

A Practical Long-Distance Care Plan for South Africans

Monthly

Call the parent at the same time every week. Send a small gift. Ask the parent a specific question — not how are you, but what did you eat for breakfast.

Quarterly

Visit the parent in person. Take the parent to a doctor's appointment. Sit with the local person who supports the parent. Ask what they need.

Annually

Have the money conversation. Talk about the will. Talk about the funeral policy. Talk about the long-term care plan. Update the emergency plan. Consider a longer stretch with the parent.

When the Crisis Comes

Get on the first flight. Call the church community. Ask for prayer. Take care of yourself. The parent needs you to be well.

A Prayer for the Distance

God of the long distance — we carry the weight of the distance. The distance between the place where we work and the place where our parents are growing old. Help us to call. Help us to visit. Help us to ask the questions that need to be asked. Help us to have the conversations that need to be had. We pray for our parents. We pray for the parent who is in the home. We pray for the parent whose mind is still clear. We pray for the parent whose mind is leaving. Sustain us as we sustain them. Carry us as we carry them. Hold us as we hold them. In the name of the one who, on the cross, asked you to care for his mother. Amen.

Johannesburg Bible Study Church meets online every Wednesday at 7:30pm. The commandment to honour our parents is a long obedience. We share it together. Call +27 77 487 1295 or +27 67 442 4461 to join.